Thursday, January 07, 2010

Some can not tell you what makes them happy, what they want from life, or how they want to spend the precious few years that they have. They bumble their way through. Unhappy, miserable and not very pleasant to be around.
I want to raise my kids to be good human beings. I am not perfect and I make many mistakes along the way. I want my kids to be happy and successful in whatever they choose to do. I am their protector, educator, their mentor, their advisor and maybe someday their counselor. I am not often their friend. There are oftentimes things that need to be said or done that a friend couldn't or wouldn't do at their ages.
I like to explore. There are so many places that I want to go and see in the wilderness. I want to spend many days paddling or traversing mountains, or riding my bike. I think I was born in the wrong time. I like to watch the sunrise from the top of a high mountain with friends and knowing that at that moment there is nowhere else in the world that I would rather be.
There are many other things that I enjoy, what to learn and do before it it too late. I need to remind myself that every day might be my last. I also need solitude. I can ride my bike for hours by myself with my thoughts. And when I am done, everything else in my life seems so much more important. At the end I so much want that long isolation to be over and retun to my family.
I raced for a number of years. I was drawn to something I love. I found great friends who were as passionate as I about being the best and spending great times in the outdoors. We helped each other through tough times and saw some beautiful sights. We pushed each other and ourselves to be better than we could individually.
I am taking a step back from that for a while. Many other things in my life have been put on hold because of my drive and determination. For the foreseable future I will be staying home working on projects and plans that have been put on the back burner. Hopefully those things can be done soon or when all the kids are gone in 10-12years I will set outfor the ultimate adventure.
Right now I am cleaning, remodelling, selling stuff that I haven't used in many years. Trying to simplify. The kids are up and off by 9. I spend a few hours doing carpentry and spend the rest of the day doing other chores that keep a house with 2 adults and 5 kids humming along. Always ending with sweeping the floor at the end of the day. I made a list and it is huge, I am not sure how long it will take. I am very close to finishing the remodel of Laura's bedroom. Then I will finish the kitchen remodel.
I feel like a caged animal but I know that in due time I will be out again

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